i should sleep more.


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i've been sleepless lately, staying up till three, working, trying to work, trying not to work. then i'll fall asleep. sleep till a moderate hour.

but now i can't sleep. it's three. i lie awake thinking. i haven't had this problem for years. and years. i think and think and smile and think and then get upset. it makes it that much harder. i roll and toss and stuff my pillow trying to make it more comfortable. but it remains too flat, too thin...i really like pillows too, but it's when i can't sleep--my pillow becomes a rough, dense pile that i can not lie still with.

and then i wake up. i never notice myself falling asleep during these times. when i'm really tired, i can feel myself drifting away into the fall of sleep. but now i'm keeping myself up till the birds sing at four and thinking.

i think of her, of elisa. her little tweeks, her personality traits (they make me smile inside when i find them). and how she is so interesting. and how she is mysterious but probably doesn't know it. she is like rain when i am running to somewhere and soaked and suddenly realize this feels really good.

and i think of my mistakes with dani. she is being dragged down by someone that she believed brings her up. because i do, and i know i make her feel happy when she has so many problems to deal with. but i feel like i want to be out and new and alone with this city. that's so hard to say when i think of her. what do i tell her? i have tried to tell her how this is, but it's not east to communicate and she tells me she doesn't understand.


...and here plays the song that made me bawl when i was somewhere between chapel hill and tennesee after my summer week with anne.

i'm here in a room and i have things arranged. i have them likened to code, so they can often be changed. an image, a sound, they are one in the same, just one likes to move and one stays the same. am image a sound they are one in the same. just one likes to move and one stays the same.


i'm lost. or not really; i think i am scared. and cowardly. but i hate making people hurt. especially when what i am trying to do is only for my own happiness.